Perhaps it's too much to ask.

One day I will laugh at all of this: out loud, to myself, looking back on the insignificant actions and wasted time of my youth. You will not be there to hear that laugh, to reminisce, to relish the memories of growing up with the crazies. It will probably be Nate and I, wondering where you went and how you are, whether or not you accomplished your dreams and who you accomplished them with. Then we will pull out our matches and start lighting things on fire, because I get the feeling raw and unbridled flame is the only thing that can purge this indignant mood I am in.

Inspiration waits to strike at the oddest times, and unfortunately that is not tonight. Tonight I write with one purpose; to slow my thoughts to the speed of my fingers on this keyboard and distract myself from thoughts of the massive quantity of time I seem to have wasted over the last few years. I've found the one greatest mistake of my life to be committing to things, and more importantly, people. There was a time six years ago when commitment was far enough away from my mind to not even bother considering it, but even I have an emotional side.

I've found a small number of people in my life whom I thought committing to a relationship with was well worth my time and effort. It's my mantra as a boyfriend; open truth and my willingness to be there, whenever, wherever, for whatever. I wanted to make things work, at any cost to myself, and I was open to accepting that it's not really over until it's really over. So with this in mind I raised my periscope in search of another person to commit to, someone worth the strain and effort of the suits, ties, late night drives and the occasional 2 AM text message or phone call.

This goal in mind I found someone who I didn't expect to see stumble back into my life, but there she was! She is as beautiful as ever, smart, witty, athletic and single. She just walked back into my life with no complaint from myself, because, in all honesty, I had missed her. We'd grown up as friends, dated once before either of us was qualified to commit to anything serious let alone have a slight hint of knowledge as to what true commitment was. We slipped into an odd relationship that the word friendship cannot describe simply because we were more than just friends. At any given time one of us would want to be more than just the standard run-of-the-mill pals and try to make something more. This worked for the whole summer, an odd day-to-day pseudo-friendship.

Then I made a big mistake. I commited. I decided I wanted to be more than friends. Within a few weeks it appeared she would reciprocate. It turned out to be a one way street in her direction and suddenly every move I made, every subtle hint that used to slip by was an alarm telling her to get out. Each kiss grew more hesitant, every touch became a seemingly forced violation. We eventually settled back in to friends, but my commitment never really died. Though I am fine with the idea of just being her friend, it still hurts to think about what I am missing out on, and I can't help but wonder why it ended this way. I feel as if after 6 months of close friendship, two of which we played hide-and-kiss, that commitment to making something serious out of it was at reasonable pace. Now I feel differently though.

Tonight all I feel is the weight of 9 months of wasted time on my shoulders, the ache of countless hours of conversation strewn behind me, and the sting of unpaired commitment. I give it, they see it, and they walk away. It's a recurring pattern, every girlfriend comes into my life, takes me by the hand and walks with me for a while, but when I tell them I'll walk as long as they will they drop my hand and run off down some other road.

It's 1:19, and I have two quizzes in the morning. For some reason the time I've wasted trying to convince her to simply see me as myself now, not years ago; to think of my as a lover, not only a friend; to imagine what my best can be, and if it's the best for her; is over-shadowed by the realization that tomorrow we will both wake up... go about our lives... and she will never know what could have been.

And I will be left here to wonder why, no matter who in my past it was, I was left standing alone on that road watching them sprint into the sunset... my sunset.

Night, love.
Jon