A Familiar Buzz

Tonight is Prom. Fun right?
We have no plan, we have no goals, it's just one night of shear spontaneity and spur of the moment urges. I've got a nice car with which to pick everyone up, a suit, a tie and plenty of time to take it all off. I guess I have done it again, played the "innocent Jon" role.

It's weird to think that at some subliminal level I do alter my personality to my environment. Running start kind of gave me a fresh start with a new group of friends, none of them know anything about me, I control their opinions of me to the exact details. Someone nick-named me "Virgin Jon" last week... I laughed rather hard... inside. I've played the "innocent Jon" role and it's actually leading to some conflicts as people find that some of their friends outside of the circle I have created know me, and about me, or at least have heard rumor's. I've been opening up to pretty much everyone who asks from there now. Yet I still withhold the things that would damn me in their eyes. Of course there are those of you who would say my friends should love me for who I am. But am I really that? Am I? I've shed my past personality as a snake sheds its skin, leaving behind the old shell of a man that was me to find the softer inner-core of my potential being. There is still work to be done, refining of the soul, before I will be all that I can. Though I doubt there is a limit to the potential greatness of any man.

I've recently begun to like girl. She's not much different from most girls, though she aims to be. It's an honorable idea to try to break the bonds of conformity, it's another thing entirely to find the strength and insight within yourself to do it. You can't just be different or act different, you must think different. You have to look at the common features of the human personality and find its error's, it's tendencies, and then you must break them. The 'rules' were made to be broken.

She's fun, but I believe I make her nervous. She stares at her feet much of the time when she's around me, and talks little. She appears to lack the confidence that is my favorite of traits. We've kissed, but that's it. I'm getting rather attached to her and I don't understand why because she is rather... afraid of commitment. I find that I'm in a predicament for disaster and I know she's gonna break my heart, but I still stay in this position. All common sense is screaming at me "GET OUT", while I sit and say, "She's worth the risk." She said to trust her, and that she wouldn't hurt me, but she still does, and probably without conscious decision to either. I asked her last night if we were friends, and she said yes. She is amazing though, love spending time with her I just don't know if it's the best thing for me right now. But I will keep going with it, there's been no major problems and I am quite the patient person. It's amazing what liking someone specifically can do to a man's mind, and how much it can hurt.

-Jon